Unbelievable things will start happening for you when you
learn to love yourself first.
I don’t know about you, but for most of my life, I grappled
with a serios case of people-pleasing. Always putting others first. Always
trying to meet their needs while ignoring my own. And looking back, I think so
many different factors led to this.
Firstly, being a woman. From an early age, I was continually
conditioned by older generations, by teachers, by society to be kind, helpful,
nurturing—to look after everyone around me, even when that came at the expense
of my own needs and wants. These messages quietly but profoundly shaped how I
presented myself in the world.
But the biggest factor of all? Was the lack of self-worth,
self-belief, and confidence in myself. That’s where it mostly stemmed from.
All of that however has changed for me! When I began to do
the inner work. I went from being a shy girl constantly seeking external
validation, always people-pleasing, trying to be friends with everyone, and
endlessly chasing approval—to becoming a woman who knows what she wants. A
woman who sets boundaries, who is content being alone, who can walk away from
relationships that don’t serve her, and who is deeply in tune with her own
needs and never compromises on them.
It’s the most empowering thing you can be as a woman:
someone who is unapologetically herself. Who loves herself enough to never
compromise on her values and happiness.
It took me far too long to realize all of this! Nearly 30
years of my life to connect the dots. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter
what your past conditioning was. What matters is recognizing it. With that
self-awareness, you can start the work of unlearning, of reconditioning
yourself to prioritize your happiness, your needs, and your self-worth. To
learn to love yourself first!
So here is some of the wisdom that I wish I knew years ago
so hopefully you can begin to understand why self-love is the key to unlocking
your fullest potential.
The relationship you have with yourself will set the foundation for all other relationship in your life.
If you don’t love yourself, you will seek that love from others, often in the most unhealthy ways. A strained inner relationship with yourself often leads to strained outer relationships because you’re operating from a place of lack, needing others to fill gaps you’ve neglected within yourself. And when you look for people to fill those gaps, you’re most often attracting individuals who want to exploit that—your lack of confidence, your lack of boundaries.
But when you love yourself, you set the standard for how you expect others to treat you. You attract relationships built on mutual respect, love, and understanding because you already embody those things for yourself. If you don’t honour your own needs, you’re less likely to enforce boundaries or demand respect from others. You might find yourself saying “yes” when every fibre of your being is screaming “no.” Or you might tolerate behaviour that undermines your worth because, deep down, you don’t believe you deserve better. But when you respect yourself, you set the tone for how others should treat you. Your boundaries become a reflection of your self-love—not barriers to keep people out, but guideposts that teach them how to meet you where you are.
When you love yourself, you can confidently call out behaviour that does not align with how you expect to be treated. You can say, “Hey, that’s not okay. I will not tolerate this because I deserve better.” You can vocalize your needs without hesitation. People will feel that energy. They will automatically understand that you do not mess around, that you see through bad behaviour, and that you never compromise your values just to have someone in your life. You embody the type of person who is not afraid to walk away or to walk alone!
And when you start advocating for yourself, for your needs, when you start setting boundaries, and going after what you want unapologetically, your self-love and confidence will begin to grow. Creating a vicious cycle. So just start small. Align one action today with your wants and values. Set that small boundary with someone who has previously benefited from you not setting them. And I promise you that it will feel so empowering. The relationship you have with yourself is the one constant in your life, the one companion who will always be there. So, you’ve got to make it a good one. You’ve got to invest in it.
When you are operating from a place of self love – you begin aligning all your actions with your most authentic self.
You stop bending backwards to fit into others or societies boxes or trying to be the version of you that you think you should be. Instead, you start embracing your deepest wants and needs honestly, fully and unapologetically. You almost create this shield where other peoples’ opinions or view of you no longer plays any part in your decision making. You are no longer triggered by people’s view of your choices, your life, but instead you let any judgments, or any negativity bounce right back off of you. And that can only happen if you wholeheartedly live according to your own values and goals and the life you imagined for yourself.
You will also find that as you build on that self-love your truest most authentic self will become crystal clear to you. You will fully begin to embrace and understand who you are, what you want and what you need. You will also start shedding away the old pieces of you, the façade you have had to keep up just to fit into societies template. That can be a painful process, when you finally begin to realise how much of yourself you’ve hidden or contained over the years.
I can remember the number of times someone asked me to do something whether that is to take on an additional project at work, to go to a party I really didn’t want to go to or whatever else it might have been. I always responded straight away and usually with a ‘yes I’ll do it’, I didn’t even stop to consider my answer I just went straight to yes. Because that was my programming. Because I was programmed to always put others needs ahead of my own, to avoid disappointing them even if it meant disappointing myself. I sacrificed by wants and needs for someone else without a second thought, only to be flooded with frustration and bitterness because deep down I knew that quick yes should have been a ‘hell no’!
So, I began doing two things. Firstly, I told myself that I will always pause before giving an answer. I literally count to 10 or even just say to the person can I get back to you on that later today. This prevents you from making that a rushed conditioned decision and gives we time to evaluate if this is something that will align with my needs. I then do a self-alignment check in and ask myself ‘will saying yes to this honour my values, wants and needs? I then vocalise my answer saying something like ‘I will say no to the invitation because I need time to rest’ and I can feel that sense of relief and clam because I know I am honouring my boundaries.
This is where the real transformation begins. When you start letting go of the conditioning and expectations that have shaped you, you’ll uncover the person you’ve always been underneath it all. And I promise, the moment you stop living for others and start living for yourself, you’ll feel a deep, unshakable sense of inner peace. That’s the power of true self-love.
Self-love is not about being perfect and getting everything right all the time.
Self-love is about embracing yourself despite the mistakes, despite the slip-ups, despite the times you say or do the wrong thing. It’s about knowing that your worth isn’t tied to perfection. It’s tied to your humanity—to the simple fact that you are enough just as you are.
And the key to unlocking that kind of self-love? Forgiveness. Forgiving yourself is one of the most powerful acts of love you can offer yourself. When you forgive yourself, you’re letting go of the shame, the guilt, the endless self-criticism. You’re saying to yourself: “I am flawed, but I am still worthy of love. I might not be perfect, but I am still valuable.” Forgiveness frees you. It breaks the chains of self-judgment and allows you to move forward without carrying the weight of your past mistakes. And when you can forgive yourself, you create the space to grow, to learn, and to love yourself even more deeply.
It’s not always easy. The world tells us we should be everything to everyone, that we should be perfect, polished, and ‘do it all.’ But real self-love is messy. It’s raw, it’s honest, and sometimes it means admitting that we can’t do it all. And that’s okay. Self-love isn’t about perfection; it’s about acceptance.
So, the next time you mess up—and trust me, you will, because we all do—pause and remind yourself of this: I am human. I am learning. And I am still deserving of love. That’s what self-love truly is.